Where Am I Going Wrong in My Dating Life?

March 18, 2021
Where Am I Going Wrong in My Dating Life?

I'd be willing to bet that 99% of people have asked that same question at some point or another. You've just been through a break-up, have been single for what feels like years, or don't seem ever to make it past the first date.

First of all - fear not!

We all have dry spells, and it doesn't necessarily mean you're doing anything wrong at all! That said, there are some simple steps you can try to reignite the flames of passion and get your dating game back on point.

Step One: Re-evaluate Your Expectations of Dating.

Do you feel like your dating life isn't going to plan because you haven't gotten married and had a bunch of kids yet? Or do you believe everyone around you has regular hookups with a harem of beautiful women, and you've been left out in the cold?

Let's stop right there.

Dating should be fun, it should be enjoyable, and it isn't the means to an end!

Think of it as a journey of self-discovery, where you get the privilege of meeting folks from all walks of life and perhaps exploring what it is that you want from a relationship.

If you think dating is a disaster, it's pretty likely you're going into it with a bad attitude or unrealistic expectations, and therefore aren't going to get anywhere any time soon.

Step Two: Make it Personal.

We're all different, and if you're chasing after a cookie-cutter ideal of a relationship that doesn't chime with what you really want, you'll also probably find yourself a little disappointed with the outcome of your dating endeavours.

Here are a few gentle reminders:

  • Dating on your terms is the only way to do it. 
  • Not everyone is meant for you, and that's A-OK.
  • Never date someone just because you think your friends would like him or her.
  • Decide for yourself what values you want to find in your ideal date.It's also essential to keep an open mind.

All too often, we think we're 'failing' at dating when we've actually met hundreds of fantastic people but have overlooked them out of hand.

Give it a chance, read that message, go for a casual coffee, and don't write off a potential date because they don't tick one of your boxes.

Step Three: Troubleshoot Your Dating Experiences

Next up, we have to be honest and realistic about why some relationships or dates haven't worked out, as we'd have liked. You are responsible for your energy, the effort you put in, and how you respond to things.

If you met someone and thought it was a forever after situation that only lasted a week - why?

  • Were you too pushy and tried to get a new lover to commit to something before they felt ready?
  • Did you play it too cool and let someone think you weren't that interested?
  • When you met up, did you take the time to listen to what they had to say?
  • Had you given the relationship a chance to develop into anything?
  • Did you expect too much from somebody who just wanted a fun date?

In some cases, of course, nobody is to blame, and the chemistry wasn't there.

Still, if you're in a dating rut, a bit of self-reflection can go a long way to helping us pinpoint any self-sabotage we've engaged in before and do better next time.

Step Four: Try Something New

Maybe you met your first long-term lover in a bar downtown, and now that relationship is months in the dust, you're headed back out to your regular pick-up spot to wait for the magic to happen.

This behaviour pattern is a common reason people find themselves without a date - because if nothing changes, nothing changes!

Doing the same thing over and over never works, period. That applies to how you approach new relationships, how you behave when you're in one, and how you go about trying to meet new people.

There are new dating sites, apps and networking platforms popping up every single day, and if you've been out of the dating game for a while, it's time for a learning curve!

Online matchmaking services are the easiest and safest way to meet new dates in the modern world. If you've never tried it before, it's well worth a bash - and who knows what opportunities might be passing you by if you don't try, tight!

Check out Best10 for independent reviews of all the best dating platforms out there. Take your pick, and dive right in.

Step Five: Be Honest About What You Bring to the Table

Another common problem is letting a lack of confidence get in your way. We're almost always the architects of our own disaster, and if you're not making any progress, it's best to work on yourself as the first port of call!

Being self-assured, outgoing and motivated to make a new date work is seriously hot.

Think about your great qualities, your passions, and your personality. Write it down, or ask your friends and close family members to tell you one thing they like about you.

Don't be afraid to go on a date that doesn't lead anywhere. Use it as a springboard to practise your conversational skills, meet new people who might end up being friends, and get used to the experience of putting on your glad rags and plunging into a date with a stranger.

Believe me; it gets easier the better you get at it.

Once you've had a tonne of practice, you'll find that nerves are less of an issue, and a more relaxed person is always going to be more fun to hang out with and share a few life stories.

Step Six: Give It Time

Yeah, I know, you want your picture-perfect romance, and you want it last week! Still, intricacies of the heart do take time and trying to rush or force it never ends well.

Remember what you have to offer and keep in mind the most important values to you in a compatible date.

Take your time, enjoy the experience, and dating will become less of a chore, and more something that adds value to your day, more and more, as time goes on.

Lauren Edwards-Fowle
Lauren Edwards-Fowle
Lauren is a freelance writer passionate about how we develop rewarding experiences, and overcoming the barriers we face to living our best lives. Lauren writes regularly about the modern world of dating, relationships, parenthood, and social dynamics.